Shape Shifting: Conflict within the Family

     The purpose of this blog post is to talk about the topic of divorce and different problems that accompany it.  I don't come from a family of divorce so anyone reading this that would like to add their input in a comment at the bottom of this post is welcomed and appreciated.  

     First of all, I feel like a lot of the time divorce can be stopped before it even starts.  It comes largely from a lack of communication.  The two big factors that lead up to it are distance and avoidance.  There are miscommunications between the couple and neither one of them talk them through.  This drives a wedge in the relationship and causes distance.  They then begin to avoid one another and any interaction results in an argument.  Talk about your problems!! its normal to have miscommunications.  By talking about what is going on and having an open mind you gain an understanding for your counterparts point of view.  They might not even be meaning to say what you've been getting from the conversation.  

     Many a time we hear that divorce will be better for the children, that the arguing will stop and the home environment will be better.  The truth is, the conflict doesn't go away. It only changes shape.  An issue that occurs with children in divorce is triangulation.  Triangulation occurs when the bond between husband and wife is opened up and the child becomes the mediator.  Both mom and dad go to the child to express their discomforts with the other parent and the child becomes conflicted and confused.  The parents fight through the child.  Research shows that boys tend to do worse with divorce than girls do.  They take their emotions inward more and usually lack having the man role model in the home that he needs.  (Women usually have custody of the children).  

     Blended families after either parent remarries usually take at least 2 years to achieve normalcy.  That is a long time.  Something that I don't think some consider in blended families is who will be giving the rule for the child and how they will be disciplined.  As much as the new mom or dad wants to be a part of their "new" child's life, it is not their place to discipline the child at the beginning of the new and growing relationship.  My marriage and family teacher said that the biological parent should be responsible for this.  We only have the right to criticize others if we truly love them and this bond and relationship between the new parent and the child has not had time to grow enough into a strong relationship where this might be possible.  Every situation is different and you might be one of the lucky ones that has this instant bond with their adoptive children.  I wish everything could be simple and perfect, but this is not a perfect world.  It is a world in which we constantly have to learn and adapt.  

Learning to Love

     This blog post goes along with the aspect of parenting.  The biggest concept that has hit me in class is the concept of Learning to Love.  This blog post is short and sweet but I am not experienced in raising children, I haven't been blessed yet to have this experience.  Someday I will be.  All I have to go on right now are theories.  The ideas of "someday I will teach my children this way..." or "I really hope I don't have to endure this hardship with my child..." come into my mind with my ideal childrearing ways.  Everyone envisions this perfect family system and the ideal perfect child.  The reality is....there is no possible way of knowing how your child will turn out.  The only way to combat this is with that simple 4 letter word, LOVE.
     Just as we don't know what plan God has for us, we don't know the plan he has for our children either.  There are so many things we don't want to have to "deal with" when it comes to raising children.  Nobody wants hardships, we all want smooth sailing.  But something we don't take into account is the astronomical amount of Love we will feel for these little beings whom we have not yet met.  I can only imagine that this love we will someday have for our children will override anything that we may not want to "deal with".  It will be our desire and pleasure to take upon us any task and we will become so selfless in serving our children.  It is my understanding that our children will make us better people and teach us so much more about patience and giving than we could ever teach them.  We gain so much more than we can give.

As our children grow, we grow along with them.  It is a give and take relationship involving love as the main ingredient.

    May I also make another observation that "natural consequences" are a big part of a child's development.  Well meaning and kind parents, because of all of the love they have for their children, might interfere with natural consequences that their children might lean from the most on their own.  Now there are certain natural consequences that are too dangerous and are good for parents to interfere with in order to protect their children, but there are certain ones that you don't need to over parent with.  For example, your child is doing bad in school and you (the parent) steps in and does their school project for them and gets them a good grade.  The child doesn't learn to do better next time in class, they learn that when times get hard, someone will step in and save them and do their job for them.  They don't learn how to naturally become self sufficient.  Give your child a little credit that they might learn a lesson "the hard way" rather than by being protected their whole lives.  I'm sure that will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to allow my children to do.