Shape Shifting: Conflict within the Family

     The purpose of this blog post is to talk about the topic of divorce and different problems that accompany it.  I don't come from a family of divorce so anyone reading this that would like to add their input in a comment at the bottom of this post is welcomed and appreciated.  

     First of all, I feel like a lot of the time divorce can be stopped before it even starts.  It comes largely from a lack of communication.  The two big factors that lead up to it are distance and avoidance.  There are miscommunications between the couple and neither one of them talk them through.  This drives a wedge in the relationship and causes distance.  They then begin to avoid one another and any interaction results in an argument.  Talk about your problems!! its normal to have miscommunications.  By talking about what is going on and having an open mind you gain an understanding for your counterparts point of view.  They might not even be meaning to say what you've been getting from the conversation.  

     Many a time we hear that divorce will be better for the children, that the arguing will stop and the home environment will be better.  The truth is, the conflict doesn't go away. It only changes shape.  An issue that occurs with children in divorce is triangulation.  Triangulation occurs when the bond between husband and wife is opened up and the child becomes the mediator.  Both mom and dad go to the child to express their discomforts with the other parent and the child becomes conflicted and confused.  The parents fight through the child.  Research shows that boys tend to do worse with divorce than girls do.  They take their emotions inward more and usually lack having the man role model in the home that he needs.  (Women usually have custody of the children).  

     Blended families after either parent remarries usually take at least 2 years to achieve normalcy.  That is a long time.  Something that I don't think some consider in blended families is who will be giving the rule for the child and how they will be disciplined.  As much as the new mom or dad wants to be a part of their "new" child's life, it is not their place to discipline the child at the beginning of the new and growing relationship.  My marriage and family teacher said that the biological parent should be responsible for this.  We only have the right to criticize others if we truly love them and this bond and relationship between the new parent and the child has not had time to grow enough into a strong relationship where this might be possible.  Every situation is different and you might be one of the lucky ones that has this instant bond with their adoptive children.  I wish everything could be simple and perfect, but this is not a perfect world.  It is a world in which we constantly have to learn and adapt.  

Learning to Love

     This blog post goes along with the aspect of parenting.  The biggest concept that has hit me in class is the concept of Learning to Love.  This blog post is short and sweet but I am not experienced in raising children, I haven't been blessed yet to have this experience.  Someday I will be.  All I have to go on right now are theories.  The ideas of "someday I will teach my children this way..." or "I really hope I don't have to endure this hardship with my child..." come into my mind with my ideal childrearing ways.  Everyone envisions this perfect family system and the ideal perfect child.  The reality is....there is no possible way of knowing how your child will turn out.  The only way to combat this is with that simple 4 letter word, LOVE.
     Just as we don't know what plan God has for us, we don't know the plan he has for our children either.  There are so many things we don't want to have to "deal with" when it comes to raising children.  Nobody wants hardships, we all want smooth sailing.  But something we don't take into account is the astronomical amount of Love we will feel for these little beings whom we have not yet met.  I can only imagine that this love we will someday have for our children will override anything that we may not want to "deal with".  It will be our desire and pleasure to take upon us any task and we will become so selfless in serving our children.  It is my understanding that our children will make us better people and teach us so much more about patience and giving than we could ever teach them.  We gain so much more than we can give.

As our children grow, we grow along with them.  It is a give and take relationship involving love as the main ingredient.

    May I also make another observation that "natural consequences" are a big part of a child's development.  Well meaning and kind parents, because of all of the love they have for their children, might interfere with natural consequences that their children might lean from the most on their own.  Now there are certain natural consequences that are too dangerous and are good for parents to interfere with in order to protect their children, but there are certain ones that you don't need to over parent with.  For example, your child is doing bad in school and you (the parent) steps in and does their school project for them and gets them a good grade.  The child doesn't learn to do better next time in class, they learn that when times get hard, someone will step in and save them and do their job for them.  They don't learn how to naturally become self sufficient.  Give your child a little credit that they might learn a lesson "the hard way" rather than by being protected their whole lives.  I'm sure that will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to allow my children to do.

Fatherhood!

       This is on fatherhood!! Its where I gush about my cute fiancé' who's got what it takes to be a fantastic father in the future, and its about what I think is important to have in the household to ensure a strong family relationship regarding the father. 

               The first step I’m going to take in order to ensure that my family has a strong father figure is to be very selective in who I marry.   I looked for a man who exemplified everything that a father should be.  Of course no man without children is going to be ready right of the bat for children, but they can have the qualities needed to raise others around them to their full potential.  That’s what my Steve does for everyone around him. I found a man who is strong in the gospel and who can bring the priesthood into my home.  It is good to find someone who makes you want to be the best version of yourself that way you are always being held to the highest degree.  When an individual has the ability to uplift everyone around them and make them want to be a better person they command a certain respect from others.  This is the type of respect that is needed within the home to raise children in light and truth.  Children learn by example, so the first step is to find a man that can be the best example for you in your life to carry that through when you start a family together.

            I would say that the next step of course would be to make sure your spouse is enthusiastic about your future and children’s lives.  Making sure that the father does activities with the children is very important to letting them know of his care and concern for them.  I think role specific jobs are no good.  Dad should tuck the kids in and kiss them goodnight just as much as mom does.  Most importantly children should see mom and dad as a unified front that will protect and guide them as one.  Support one another and as mom shows her love and support for her husband the children will learn from that and love their father just as well.  It is not only the job of the father to stay involved but the love and kind words of the mother that help uplift dad in his household calling.  Learn, guide, and love together as you are raising children and they will see the importance of the role of their fathers in their lives.
     If I may make a side note: It is also important to be the sort of father that is hardworking.  Who will not only be willing to work hard in their career but who will put forth that same effort to working to have a strong family.  My dad has been a hard worker his whole life and has done everything in order to make my mom and myself happy and who over time has only gotten sweater and kinder at heart.  

Full Time Mothers

   Alright boys and girls, Its time to address a topic that is controversially near and dear to my heart.  Full-time motherhood.  Lets keep in mind that I am not a mother yet and I don't know everything.  This is solely based on my feelings and education on the topic both from my family relations class and personal views.  The main idea I want to talk about is from an article titled "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?"
    I have always felt that what my major goal and or duty in life to accomplish was to get the best education possible and to have a great career in which I could provide for myself and family.  A lot of this comes from how I was raised.  In my home both my mother and father worked and this was necessary.  I know my mom would have stayed home with me all the time if circumstances would have allowed.  But since this was not so, I had an excellent...and I mean EXCELLENT work ethic instilled into my genetic code.  Some may think an only child is the spoiled little gremlin, i'm here to tell you that is not always so.  I love how I grew up and I love working hard for what I have.  My parents read books with me, did lots of arts and crafts, and were always there to help with anything educational.  They never got the opportunity to go to college so above all else they pushed for my college education which I could not be more thankful for.
   I guess I always knew being a mother was the most important role I could have, but it wasn't ever the top priority at hand because, lets face it, I wasn't married and I didn't have that perspective.  Please don't be offended by my uninformed adolescent perspective, but I always thought being "only" a stay at home mom was a waste of my education.  "I could do so much more for people, I could bring more good to the world, and be successful" I told myself.  Now I see this was a slightly selfish way of looking at things.  What was it that I still had to learn?

MOTHERS ARE DIVINE. 

What is more important than being a well informed and educated mother who is responsible for bringing up those individuals who will be in charge of the development of the world to come!  We need to know what is going on, we have to have knowledge, we simply must be the best we can be to educate our children and bring them up to be informed individuals.  They need to learn respect others and know what is and isn't appropriate to say in what times.  Children are the mirror of their parents, education trickles down into their spongey little minds.  For those educated women who work at home, more power to you, you are inspiring and you have the strength to put God's creations before your own desires and you never complain.  You love your job as a mother and you already know the good you are doing in the world because of your "sacrifice".

"So it is not only nonsense that full-time homemaking means swapping the mind for a mop. It is also nonsense that the vast majority of paid work outside the home develops the mind. One may prefer to work outside the home for many reasons: a need or desire for extra income; a need to get out of the house; a need to be admired for work beyond making a home; a need for regular interaction with other adults. But the development of the intellect is not necessarily among them."


For those women who look for it, education never ends.  It is ridiculous to look down on a woman who decides to work in the home and to call her less informed and educated.  She has some of the hardest selfless work there is.  There are so many jobs that we expect our mothers to do that they most certainly do not get paid overtime for. Us children are forever in your debt, and I hope one day when I am a mother I can truly be as selfless and wonderful as my own mom who gave me everything she had and still continues to give. 

Thanks mom :) 

Family Stress and Crises (Good and the Bad)

 Is crisis always a bad event in the family?  What is a crisis and what are some positive and negative effects of this event?  A crisis is different from a stressor.  A stressor is something in every day life that can cause some extra workload or weight to be placed on the family but a crisis is an event that changes around the family dynamic.  Once this event happens nothing will ever be the same.  

     Can stress be good?  When the body undergoes a certain amount of stress it pumps out does of epinephrine and cortisol into the body that gives it the extra push to work a little more effectively and helps with memory retention.  Without that little bit of extra stress that increases heart rate and hormones in the body it would be very difficult to have those fight or flight responses that help us to jump out of the way if a car is coming or help ourselves and others in times of danger. The key is to control your stress and not let it control you.  

     Bad stress is.....well bad of course.  Sometimes if a stressor is big enough it can evolve into a crisis.  An example of one of the worst crises that a family can undergo is the death of a child.  The family system is completely changed and this stressor comes from within the family rather than outside of it and it makes it completely unavoidable.  When a stressor comes from outside of the home it is a little easier to handle because you can get away from it slightly and rely on your family for strength.  Where do you turn when the stress is stemming from the family?  "Emotional stress that stays around for weeks or months can weaken the immune system and cause high blood pressure, fatigue, depression, anxiety and even heart disease. In particular, too much epinephrine can be harmful to your heart. It can change the arteries and how their cells are able to regenerate."

Metaphors always help me:

"Focus the energy like a laser beam on what you need to do," says Tan. "Very successful people, rather than feeling disempowered, take the extra stress energy ... and make it into a high-energy, positive situation."

Dr. Paul J. Rosch, president of the American Institute of Stress compares stress to the tension in a violin string.

"Not enough produces a dull, raspy noise and too much results in an annoying shrill or snaps the string.  However, just the right amount of stress creates pleasing sounds," he says.

Might make you blush...

     Who is completely comfortable when talking about the hard facts dealign with physical intimacy?  Well honestly I think everyone should be.  Its part of life and an even bigger part of marriage.  You should feel most comfortable talking about this with your spouse.  Maybe you are both experiencing some dissatisfaction but because of lack of communication you have no idea whats going on physically with one another.  My teacher who is a marriage and family therapist mentions how many couples come in to him with this problem.  It all stems from a misunderstanding of the opposite sex.  

Soooo here are some cold hard facts that may or may not make you blush...

-It may or may not come as a surprise to you but men and women operate differently! 

-Men are excited more easily than women in part because the male anatomy is external while the females is internal. 

-Sexual intercourse (yes I said it), happens very differently for both sexes.  

-Females might take longer to become aroused partly because women tend to be thinking of more than one thing at once, whereas men can direct their attention to one subject (mainly you) very easily.  So they become aroused very fast. 

- Excitement is the first stage on a chart women's excitement goes gradually upward as men's has a steeper incline. 

-Men have a shorter pleat where as women's are longer and as they reach the climax women can have multiple whereas men go straight back down into the refractory period because they need this time to "reboot" as some might say.  

- If we look at this on a graph, men's and women's sexual experiences don't look like they line up very well. 

     It is very important for couples to have each other in mind during as they are physically intimate so that the sexual experiences you are having lines up better and each of you receive the desired satisfaction.  You can truly become of "one flesh, and of one heart," and learn to think as one. 

Wedding Planning

     Men LOVE wedding planning! Am I right, or am I right? haha kidding, kidding of course.  Generally I think we could agree that most men don't get the warm fuzzies by thinking of what colors will look best at the reception or what kind of flowers are the prettiest.   What most don't think of and what I had hadn't taken time to think about was how wedding planning is an important part of decision making as a couple.  

       Until I had gone to class and learned some important new information on planning I was already on my way to planning my wedding!  I was so excited!  The colors were picked out, reception planned; I knew exactly what I wanted.  Then came the sad realization in class that I hadn't really included my cute fiance'.  He didn't mind much, because lets be honest, he was only really interested in planning the honeymoon.   My teacher taught us, wedding planning is essential to learning how to make decisions as a couple.  When I get married i'm not the only one who will be making all the decisions, so establishing a healthy pattern of planning is important now. 

     Most of us girls love to (and should every now and then) run to mom with planning and questions about marriage.  Its great to look to our families and others for advice, however this could create some bad patterns as well. Have you ever seen where if there was a problem between you and your husband one of you turns to the mom for advice or comfort?  This can be bad because instead of creating a strong bond with your spouse, you create a stronger bond with your mom when times get tough.  Cleave to one another instead! It might be tough at first, but stick it out and rely on each other for strength.  

     Budgeting in a wedding is so hard as well!  Nobody wants to spend a lot of money and looking for the best deals is a real pain.  Its no cake walk in marriage either.  Consult with one another in planning and figure out what you can afford.  Keeping each other informed will be a big help throughout your marriage as well. 

So what i'm trying to say here is....wedding planning is good practice!  Any kind of planning is good practice on compromising and learning how to make decisions TOGETHER as EQUALS.  

Dating and Marriage

    The topic of the week that really sparked my interest in class was about marriage and dating (of course).  We learned that the way we date, is the way our marriage will end up to be.  Whomever the main provider in your relationship will likely be the provider in your marriage.  Also it was mentioned that most women marry with the idea that things will change and men marry with the idea that everything will stay the same.  This can be a bit of an issue in marriage if nothing changes and the wife becomes unhappy and the husband cant understand why.  You have to love each other "as is" before you go into marriage.
    How well do you really know your significant other anyways?  It is said that you dont even begin to know another until you hit three months.  And thats just the beginning!  There are 3 T's to knowing someone.  Togetherness, Talk, and Time.  You need to have experiences together, in a variety of settings to fully know how the other person will react to different situations.  How will you know how to give comfort to your loved one if you have never seen them in distress or upset?  Talking is important because you create a mutually disclosed relationship with one another and experience self-revelation through knowing someone else.  Communication is always key.  Lastly is time.  Spend time with your loved one, only with time can you truley gain an appreciation of who they are.  Lust will wear away a little but respect and deep love will be nurished over time.

How long do you think it takes to really know someone?  How long would you date before considering marriage?

Homosexuality: Can it change?

     This is a controversial blog post.  Its also what we're learning about in family relations and is/has always been a big topic of debate among society and scholars.   Now this isnt just an opinion based post either, its well informed.  I've personally written research papers and spent hours online looking into the topic of homosexuality and its paradigms.  Common questions are, is it biological or by choice, and can someone who is homosexual change their feelings and get rid of their same gender attractions? I'll start off with my stance by saying that no matter what you are; gay, lesbian, straight...I don't care what you are.  I wanna look at the facts and keep this as objective as possible.
    Lets first disprove the notion that homosexuality is genetic.  If it was genetic wouldn't identical twins both be gay of one of them was?  In studies done on a gay twins only 11% of twins BOTH have same gender attraction.  Also genes responsible for homosexuality would have died out because of the lack of reproductivity among couples of the same gender.  These are only a couple of examples.
   Lets look at things that support the idea of genetics.  Some studies have shown differences in the brain size and activity of a man with same gender attraction and a straight male.  Studies such as this havent been proven to be true but doesnt disprove the genetic possibility of having a TENDENCY to be more attracted to the same gender.
     Every study that I have read says that there are MULTIPLE reasons for same gender attraction.  It is neither ONLY biology or ONLY choice.  It is generally a combination of the two.  Question: If you are gay do you have the ability to change?  My answer is yes, and thats not just my opinion.  A study done on gay males has given us proof that with therapy and the DESIRE to change it can be done.  You increase the masculinity and self confidence of the male and look at his past and emotional history.  The APA ignores and doesnt present information that you can change but it is possible. This video can explain it better than myself.
http://vimeo.com/71799175.

TAKE A LOOK! Tell me what you think!

Culture Question

-It has become de rigueur to claim that all cultures and their values are equally valid or valuable. What do you think? Are all cultures equal in terms of being right and wrong, good and bad? Do we have the right to proclaim one set of values to be better than another?

Yes, I believe it is easy for someone to state that we are all equal.  It goes along with the idea of "easier said than done."  I could say that we are all equally valuable, but I myself have never been in a circumstance where I have felt culturally invalidated.  Actually come to think of it...when I studied abroad in Mexico last semester I felt plenty of times that what I had to say and what I was culturally didnt matter because I was out of my element.  My circumstances didnt apply to the setting I was in, therefore I didnt fit in with the people and their lifestyle/culture.  I think that validity of a culture deeply has to do with the setting that you are in.  I did not fit the social norms of my setting.  

Also the question of "are some cultures good, bad, right, or wrong"  is highly subjective.  We would first need to define what the critera of being good, bad, right, or wrong are.  Who are we to say that someone's culture and the way their family opperates is wrong?  To them, their culture is highly effective and could help them opperate within their setting and environment.  How can that be wrong?  Ideas of what is right and wrong are different for everyone and usually comes along with a set of moral beliefs.  What I believe is wrong might not be to someone else. Does God say that our values are better than everyone else's? I wonder what he thinks?  I dont know enough to say, but what I do know is that we have been taught that different religions and cultures around the world each have little bits of truth.  They might not have the fullness of our gospel(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) but they have some of it, therefore I feel it is important to respect all ways of life, and to know we are all brothers and sisters.